a mother's love

Maybe its these pregnancy hormones but lately I’ve just been so overwhelmed by all the love I have for Adlie. I find myself crying because of all the love I feel for her… maybe I’m fearful? I know that I feel as if I don’t want her to grow up. I love her right now the way she is & my eyes flood with tears when I think… what if I love her less as she gets older? She is so innocent now & a lot changes when toddler grows up … she will learn to talk back.. she will be able say if she doesn’t like me..  she will make mistakes… she will get hurt .. it’s so easy to comfort her now when she’s sad , but what if it gets harder as she gets older. I continue crying thinking.. what if she takes the same path I did.. I know I started a generational sin that has opened doors to make it easier for her to continue.

I had a mother who did everything possible to help me & make me better, but I still did the things I did & I know it broke her heart. I am terrified that I will have to watch my daughter go through the same pain I did. I’m terrified she will hurt as bad as I use to. I’m terrified that she will want to walk through it alone , without me. I’m terrified I will not be able to help her.

For me, high school was a terribly painful time emotionally. Although I went to church & would have said yes I’m a Christian, I was living in darkness. For years I was a harm to myself, my friends, my enemies, & my family.  I caused a lot of people a lot of pain because of the choices I made & the hate in my heart. How do I stop Adlie from having so much pain or hatred like I had? How do I make sure to stop it before it happens?

I’m fearful that depression is genetic. I know my mom had a period of time where she struggled with depression when she was younger & knowing the years of my depression, I am terrified that Adlie will inevitably have a period of depression. I don’t want to place that on her, but it’s a legit fear. How can I ever watch the child I love so much go through such a painful time?

Thankfully, by the AMAZING GRACE OF GOD, He rescued me during my first semester of college. No I don’t have this legit story of how God came in and gave me a dream or a vision or anything most people would think is cool.. but I’m not going to say my testimony isn’t great because God’s work is always great. Slowly but surely God lifted me up out of the darkness, called my name & poured out His unending love on me. Slowly he spoke truth into all the lies I have believed for years until I couldn’t help but listen to His gentle voice & give in to His gentle tug. I am FOREVER grateful for that transition in my life, I could never imagine still living in such hate & darkness. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for His forgiveness & love!

My biggest fear for Adlie is that she will choose not to follow the Lord. I know you cannot force anyone to make that decision. I also know that if I instill in her the teachings & love of God & pray pray pray, then I’m doing the best I can. I was raised going to church on Sundays and “Awanas” on Wednesday night and yet I still chose a path of destruction. Looking back, if I were to have died during those years of darkness, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have made it to heaven. Not because I made mistakes but I don’t think I truly love or trusted in Jesus.  I’m scared that God will take Adlie before she’s makes a commitment to follow Him. It took me years to finally come to God, and I’m thankful He’s given me enough time & grace to make a change. What if Adlie’s not so lucky or what if she never chooses to follow Him?

This has to be the biggest fear for a Christian mother.. one, you want your kids to find the peace & joy of God. Two, you want to live in eternity with them. And three, you’d never want anyone you love to live in eternal damnation.

So now what… what do I do will all this overwhelming love & fear.

Let me say, this is not going to be easy -- I need to fight, pray, teach, & trust.

Ephesians 6:10-18 says “10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.”

Those verses really sum up how to fight & pray.

Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

 I need to hold tight to this promise & when fears come crashing in, stop them with this truth. If I teach and train my children to love and serve God I can hold on to this promise & trust God to fulfill His word.

There are so many verses on trust, let me list a few that help me

The word of God to those who believe can be so comforting. Even though trust isn’t easy for me, I am promising myself to fight for truth & fight to trust God because I know God is good.

Okay with all this being said, my next question is .. Is this the way God feels about us. Does He love us so much it hurts? Does it sadden Him to watch us walk down the path of destruction? Does He want us to live forever with Him?  My belief is yes. 1 John 4:19 says “We love because He first loved us” 

I believe that God created us in His image, sharing with us His love for us. I don’t think it’s possible to ever love anyone or anything more than God because God is Love. I think God only gave us a little glimpse of His love. And when we feel the strength of our own love & how it can overwhelms us, I think God loves us even more than that. Which is crazy to think about! That is a powerful love. Think of the person you love most in your life. Is it hard to believe that God loves you as much as you love that person? God could not have given us such a love if He didn’t possess it Himself.

Think about what that means, God loves you & is fighting for you. The deepest part of your heart that yearns the best for your kids, God feels that for you! How can we not trust that His ways are greater than ours when He loves us more than we love our kids.. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it but I am incredibly thankful. God is so good. Seriously, I’m in awe. 

xo .